Standards Are Getting Low in Corporate America
Please read the following passage (from this article) and try to figure out which part of it blew my mind. Go ahead, I'll wait.
Am I hallucinating, or did that refer to Randy Moss as a corporate executive? I'd bet you $10,000 Moss can't balance his checkbook on his own. I'll go double or nothing that he thinks MBA stands for "Major Bad Ass".
---
I enjoy Starbucks coffee. I really do. It's piping hot, stronger than hell and competitively priced with places like Dunkin' Donuts. Further, vis-a-vis Dunkin' Donuts, Starbucks has the advantage of having counter people who just hand you the coffee and tell you to put your own damn cream and sugar in it.
You might think that's not so good, but I have yet to find a Dunkin' Donuts employee that can handle the words "easy on the sugar". When you talk to your dog, it seems like they only hear certain words. For example, you might say: "Petey, sit down. That's a good boy. Later, we'll go for a walk, okay, Petey?" And Petey hears: "Petey...walk...Petey". I think Dunkin' Donuts employees have the same problem. When I say "coffee with cream and very little sugar. Don't go nuts with the sugar this time, okay?", I am convinced they hear "coffee...cream...sugar...sugar", and think you want coffee with cream and a metric ton of sugar. And yet, I digress.
The coffee's great, but it's the Starbucks Experience I've got a problem with. First, you can cut the pretension with a knife. They can't use small, medium and large like the rest of Planet Earth. Oh no. I've been corrected before for my failure to use the word "venti".
Then, there's the music selection, which is best described as a collection of lame white people trying to be black. Hey, I'm white, I'm lame and I've come to grips with these facts. I listen to my guitar-heavy music and enjoy my life. But at Starbucks, you can get a wonderful variety of white people signing blues music, having little to no idea what it means to actually have the blues. As George Carlin once said, "What do white people have to be blue about? The espresso machine is jammed? Banana Republic ran out of khakis? Hootie and the Blowfish are breaking up?...White people don't get the blues, white people GIVE people the blues." The blues, I am told, are a state of mind. I don't have the blues, I don't pretend I do or even understand them, and I definitely don't take my thimbleful of musical talent and try to pass myself off as the next B.B. Freakin' King.
But no amount of lame attempts at playing the blues can compete with the CD I saw the other day. There's a guy named (I think) Matisyahu. Matisyahu is a rapper. An (by all appearances) orthodox Jewish rapper. If you want to know what he looks like, just remember Weird Al Yankovic during the "Amish Paradise" video, lose the wide-brimmed hat, and add a yarmulke and a serious expression.
Of course, after soaking in the faux snobby atmosphere and crappy music, there's the matter of waiting in line, as you may often do at Starbucks. You are waiting in line because there's an excellent chance that the person in front of you wants a half-caf, double-decaf, whipped, soy Tazo Chai tea, with a twist of lemon, a shot of raspberry and no foam. It takes longer for someone to complete their damn order than it does to consume the drink.
Finally, it's my turn to order:
Lady Behind the Counter (this "barista" nonsense must go): And for you, sir?
Me: Coffee. Super size it.
LBC: One venti regular!
*SIGH*
Upon leaving, I notice a little message on the coffee cup. Usually, they're a bit on the PC side, but I actually saw an enjoyable anti-gun control rant once, so I'm not upset with Starbucks for those little messages. What does bother me, though, is this disclaimer (paraphrased): "The opinions on this coffee cup do not necessarily represent those of Starbucks." Starbucks is a major, multinational corporation, not a singular person. A corporation is an artificial person created by statute for the purpose of doing business. It is, in effect, legalized fiction. A fictional person cannot have opinions!
But still, it's damn good coffee. And that's why, even with my inner blue-collar schmoe screaming all the while, I keep going back.
Inta Juice and Randy Moss Sponsoring Haas, Green at Brickyard 400: One of the nation's fastest-growing smoothie and juice bar franchises is heading to the nation's most prestigious speedway. Inta Juice has signed an agreement to sponsor Haas CNC Racing and the #66 Inta Juice Chevy driven by Jeff Green in this weekend's Brickyard 400 at Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Randy Moss, professional football player and Inta Juice executive, will grace the quarter panels of the #66 Inta Juice Chevrolet.
Am I hallucinating, or did that refer to Randy Moss as a corporate executive? I'd bet you $10,000 Moss can't balance his checkbook on his own. I'll go double or nothing that he thinks MBA stands for "Major Bad Ass".
---
I enjoy Starbucks coffee. I really do. It's piping hot, stronger than hell and competitively priced with places like Dunkin' Donuts. Further, vis-a-vis Dunkin' Donuts, Starbucks has the advantage of having counter people who just hand you the coffee and tell you to put your own damn cream and sugar in it.
You might think that's not so good, but I have yet to find a Dunkin' Donuts employee that can handle the words "easy on the sugar". When you talk to your dog, it seems like they only hear certain words. For example, you might say: "Petey, sit down. That's a good boy. Later, we'll go for a walk, okay, Petey?" And Petey hears: "Petey...walk...Petey". I think Dunkin' Donuts employees have the same problem. When I say "coffee with cream and very little sugar. Don't go nuts with the sugar this time, okay?", I am convinced they hear "coffee...cream...sugar...sugar", and think you want coffee with cream and a metric ton of sugar. And yet, I digress.
The coffee's great, but it's the Starbucks Experience I've got a problem with. First, you can cut the pretension with a knife. They can't use small, medium and large like the rest of Planet Earth. Oh no. I've been corrected before for my failure to use the word "venti".
Then, there's the music selection, which is best described as a collection of lame white people trying to be black. Hey, I'm white, I'm lame and I've come to grips with these facts. I listen to my guitar-heavy music and enjoy my life. But at Starbucks, you can get a wonderful variety of white people signing blues music, having little to no idea what it means to actually have the blues. As George Carlin once said, "What do white people have to be blue about? The espresso machine is jammed? Banana Republic ran out of khakis? Hootie and the Blowfish are breaking up?...White people don't get the blues, white people GIVE people the blues." The blues, I am told, are a state of mind. I don't have the blues, I don't pretend I do or even understand them, and I definitely don't take my thimbleful of musical talent and try to pass myself off as the next B.B. Freakin' King.
But no amount of lame attempts at playing the blues can compete with the CD I saw the other day. There's a guy named (I think) Matisyahu. Matisyahu is a rapper. An (by all appearances) orthodox Jewish rapper. If you want to know what he looks like, just remember Weird Al Yankovic during the "Amish Paradise" video, lose the wide-brimmed hat, and add a yarmulke and a serious expression.
Of course, after soaking in the faux snobby atmosphere and crappy music, there's the matter of waiting in line, as you may often do at Starbucks. You are waiting in line because there's an excellent chance that the person in front of you wants a half-caf, double-decaf, whipped, soy Tazo Chai tea, with a twist of lemon, a shot of raspberry and no foam. It takes longer for someone to complete their damn order than it does to consume the drink.
Finally, it's my turn to order:
Lady Behind the Counter (this "barista" nonsense must go): And for you, sir?
Me: Coffee. Super size it.
LBC: One venti regular!
*SIGH*
Upon leaving, I notice a little message on the coffee cup. Usually, they're a bit on the PC side, but I actually saw an enjoyable anti-gun control rant once, so I'm not upset with Starbucks for those little messages. What does bother me, though, is this disclaimer (paraphrased): "The opinions on this coffee cup do not necessarily represent those of Starbucks." Starbucks is a major, multinational corporation, not a singular person. A corporation is an artificial person created by statute for the purpose of doing business. It is, in effect, legalized fiction. A fictional person cannot have opinions!
But still, it's damn good coffee. And that's why, even with my inner blue-collar schmoe screaming all the while, I keep going back.
posted by Phunwin at 2:35 PM
2 Comments:
It's always an adverture reading what's on the mind of Flyover America (tm).
We aim to entertain first, and inform, a distant second.
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