When I'm Czar of the NFL
I think the title of this post is pretty self-explanatory, save for the term "Czar". Personally, I've always thought "Czar" was a better title than "King", and certainly well ahead of "Commissioner". If a cooler title, one that conveyed even more power, could be thought of, I'd certainly go with it. Maybe "Maximum Proconsul" would work, but people would start abbreviating it MP before long, and that could be construed as "Member of Parliament", which is the exact opposite of what we're shooting for.
Anyway, the NFL is the greatest pro sports league in the world. But, there are some changes that it could stand. With me at the controls, drunk with power, and given a healthy David Stern-like level of authority, here's what would happen:
1. Fines for shoddy announcing. The first time an "end-around" is called a "reverse", the announcer gets a warning. The second time, the network gets a $100,000 fine, and the fine doubles for each successive offense. I don't know what would be more fun, watching an announcer who's pissed at his network and in the last year of his contract trying to ring up the fine, or angry network execs firing guys at halftime. Also, announcers will be limited to using the term "gunslinger" once per season with Brett Favre. So, pick your spot wisely, guys.
Also, all announcers will be forced to attend the "Cris Collinsworth School of Honesty". Collinsworth (aka Kev's Boy, or "Chicken Neck"), is a smart-mouthed pain in the ass at times, but he's knowledgeable as hell, and is one of the very few guys in the business who has the balls to call a bad team bad, as opposed to finding lame and obscure things about which to compliment them. Adjunct instructors will include Mel Kiper, Jr., Bill Simmons, and Merril Hoge.
2. Hire Vince McMahon as a PR Executive. Here's the problem that Gene Upshaw has: he's viewed as too close to the commissioner. Upshaw foolishly subscribes to the notion that public animosity and posturing only hurt negotiations and prevent both sides from getting a deal done. This leads to hacks like Bryant Gumbel (do we still have to take him seriously as a journalist? Can I get a ruling on this?) calling him a lapdog. Upshaw has only ensured a long period of labor peace and prosperity that has served to line the pockets of his consitituents in a better and more consistent fashion than any other sport. Clearly, he's doing a horrible job.
What Upshaw needs to be taken seriously is a public attitude of hostility, but with a privately reasonable and conciliatory stance. Who better to pull this off than Vince McMahon, the man who has successfully choreographed the two-faced sport/entertainment of pro wrestling for over 20 years? Upshaw can talk tough and be rude, nasty and swing chairs in public, and in private, continue to be himself. That way, everyone's happy.
3. End the DirecTV monopoly on Sunday Ticket. The NFL is the world's best pro sports league, but when it comes to television, they shoot themselves in the foot repeatedly and with deadly accuracy. You can read almost any given Gregg Easterbrook column for a better rant on game selection, but my focus is on the deficiencies of Sunday Ticket. The NFL signed a long-term, exclusive rights deal with DirecTV for the NFL Sunday Ticket package.
Here's the problem: for about 90% of this country, DirecTV is significantly worse than digital cable. The movies suck, there's no On-Demand programming, the control is less user-friendly, it costs more, you get even more channels you'll never use (as if that was possible) and it's prone to weather problems. The only significant advantage DTV has is the Sunday Ticket. I don't blame them for this; it's good marketing. They know their product is otherwise inferior to digital cable, so they get something to actually draw an audience. I would bet that at least 1/3 of the people who currently have DirecTV would drop it if Sunday Ticket wasn't available.
Basically, the NFL has consciously limited their audience by going with an exclusive-rights deal with DirecTV, as opposed to going with digital cable, or doing what the other major sports did: go with both. Yes, DirecTV paid a MASSIVE sum of money for this right (I think it was $2.1 billion), but in the long-term, I think the NFL would have done much better to cater to a wider audience.
4. Full-time refs. NFL officiating reached an all-time low with last year's Super Bowl. Something obviously needs to be done. Personally, I don't see how full-time refs will help that much; these guys are already extremely well-versed in the rules, and it's their judgment and ability to see things a little quicker that require improvement. How will paying them enough to quit their day jobs help? I have no idea. I do know that pretty much everyone complains about this though. If we hire full-time refs, that will at least give coaches and columnists one less thing to whine about. And I'm all for reducing the amount of whining.
5. Five minutes per draft pick. Is there anything more asinine than a team knowing darn well who they're going to take with their first-round pick, but milking their entire 15 minutes on the clock? I think not. This reached a new height (or depth) of absurdity a couple years ago, when the Bengals, picking first, had already SIGNED Carson Palmer, and still took about 14 minutes to get their card to the podium. Enough. All this does is leave more times for camera shots of brain-dead Jets fans and for Chris Berman to quote songs from before I was born. While we're at it, let's just limit the commentary to Dan Patrick and Mel Kiper, Jr.
6. Put a team in Los Angeles. Strong-arm the stadium folks, and move a team there. If they have to play in the Rose Bowl for a couple years while the city gets it's act together, so be it. Personally, I'd move either the Jaguars or (once the feel-good story wears off in a year or so) the Saints.
As an aside, I don't buy this "New Orleans needs the Saints" schtick for one second. Yes, we all feel bad about what happened, but let's not make this bigger than it is. This was a team with no identity, in a city whose fan support and financial support were at best tepid, and now that city lacks the means to seriously support an NFL team. Let the feel-good story run its course, and then let cold, hard mathematics take over.
7. Set up a Super Bowl rotation. Forgive my obvious bias, but H.Wayne Huizenga had a phenomenal idea that didn't go anywhere. HWH is in the process of a massive renovation of Dolphins Stadium, and wanted to have the Super Bowl hosted in Miami every other year or every third year. He planned to make the stadium a (for lack of a better term) giant football experience, and set up huge week-long festivities around the Super Bowl. Now THAT'S a great idea. The Super Bowl is how the NFL charms the corporate sponsors who pay the bills. Why not go all-out to make sure they have a great time and keep coming back? If someone like Huizenga is going to put the means together to make it a giant event, then go with that, and make sure the game's hosted there every couple years. This push to host the Super Bowl in places like Jacksonville is nice, but misguided. It's not about being fair, it's about making money, and making sure that money keeps coming in. If we're not going to rotate the Super Bowl among each of the 32 cities, let's narrow it to the few that have been the most successful: Miami, Atlanta, San Diego and Los Angeles. New Orleans, of course, is out for obvious reasons.
That's all I can think of at the moment, at least for big ideas. But, given my love of football and my tendency to rant and ramble, there's a fair chance this will be an ongoing series.
Anyway, the NFL is the greatest pro sports league in the world. But, there are some changes that it could stand. With me at the controls, drunk with power, and given a healthy David Stern-like level of authority, here's what would happen:
1. Fines for shoddy announcing. The first time an "end-around" is called a "reverse", the announcer gets a warning. The second time, the network gets a $100,000 fine, and the fine doubles for each successive offense. I don't know what would be more fun, watching an announcer who's pissed at his network and in the last year of his contract trying to ring up the fine, or angry network execs firing guys at halftime. Also, announcers will be limited to using the term "gunslinger" once per season with Brett Favre. So, pick your spot wisely, guys.
Also, all announcers will be forced to attend the "Cris Collinsworth School of Honesty". Collinsworth (aka Kev's Boy, or "Chicken Neck"), is a smart-mouthed pain in the ass at times, but he's knowledgeable as hell, and is one of the very few guys in the business who has the balls to call a bad team bad, as opposed to finding lame and obscure things about which to compliment them. Adjunct instructors will include Mel Kiper, Jr., Bill Simmons, and Merril Hoge.
2. Hire Vince McMahon as a PR Executive. Here's the problem that Gene Upshaw has: he's viewed as too close to the commissioner. Upshaw foolishly subscribes to the notion that public animosity and posturing only hurt negotiations and prevent both sides from getting a deal done. This leads to hacks like Bryant Gumbel (do we still have to take him seriously as a journalist? Can I get a ruling on this?) calling him a lapdog. Upshaw has only ensured a long period of labor peace and prosperity that has served to line the pockets of his consitituents in a better and more consistent fashion than any other sport. Clearly, he's doing a horrible job.
What Upshaw needs to be taken seriously is a public attitude of hostility, but with a privately reasonable and conciliatory stance. Who better to pull this off than Vince McMahon, the man who has successfully choreographed the two-faced sport/entertainment of pro wrestling for over 20 years? Upshaw can talk tough and be rude, nasty and swing chairs in public, and in private, continue to be himself. That way, everyone's happy.
3. End the DirecTV monopoly on Sunday Ticket. The NFL is the world's best pro sports league, but when it comes to television, they shoot themselves in the foot repeatedly and with deadly accuracy. You can read almost any given Gregg Easterbrook column for a better rant on game selection, but my focus is on the deficiencies of Sunday Ticket. The NFL signed a long-term, exclusive rights deal with DirecTV for the NFL Sunday Ticket package.
Here's the problem: for about 90% of this country, DirecTV is significantly worse than digital cable. The movies suck, there's no On-Demand programming, the control is less user-friendly, it costs more, you get even more channels you'll never use (as if that was possible) and it's prone to weather problems. The only significant advantage DTV has is the Sunday Ticket. I don't blame them for this; it's good marketing. They know their product is otherwise inferior to digital cable, so they get something to actually draw an audience. I would bet that at least 1/3 of the people who currently have DirecTV would drop it if Sunday Ticket wasn't available.
Basically, the NFL has consciously limited their audience by going with an exclusive-rights deal with DirecTV, as opposed to going with digital cable, or doing what the other major sports did: go with both. Yes, DirecTV paid a MASSIVE sum of money for this right (I think it was $2.1 billion), but in the long-term, I think the NFL would have done much better to cater to a wider audience.
4. Full-time refs. NFL officiating reached an all-time low with last year's Super Bowl. Something obviously needs to be done. Personally, I don't see how full-time refs will help that much; these guys are already extremely well-versed in the rules, and it's their judgment and ability to see things a little quicker that require improvement. How will paying them enough to quit their day jobs help? I have no idea. I do know that pretty much everyone complains about this though. If we hire full-time refs, that will at least give coaches and columnists one less thing to whine about. And I'm all for reducing the amount of whining.
5. Five minutes per draft pick. Is there anything more asinine than a team knowing darn well who they're going to take with their first-round pick, but milking their entire 15 minutes on the clock? I think not. This reached a new height (or depth) of absurdity a couple years ago, when the Bengals, picking first, had already SIGNED Carson Palmer, and still took about 14 minutes to get their card to the podium. Enough. All this does is leave more times for camera shots of brain-dead Jets fans and for Chris Berman to quote songs from before I was born. While we're at it, let's just limit the commentary to Dan Patrick and Mel Kiper, Jr.
6. Put a team in Los Angeles. Strong-arm the stadium folks, and move a team there. If they have to play in the Rose Bowl for a couple years while the city gets it's act together, so be it. Personally, I'd move either the Jaguars or (once the feel-good story wears off in a year or so) the Saints.
As an aside, I don't buy this "New Orleans needs the Saints" schtick for one second. Yes, we all feel bad about what happened, but let's not make this bigger than it is. This was a team with no identity, in a city whose fan support and financial support were at best tepid, and now that city lacks the means to seriously support an NFL team. Let the feel-good story run its course, and then let cold, hard mathematics take over.
7. Set up a Super Bowl rotation. Forgive my obvious bias, but H.Wayne Huizenga had a phenomenal idea that didn't go anywhere. HWH is in the process of a massive renovation of Dolphins Stadium, and wanted to have the Super Bowl hosted in Miami every other year or every third year. He planned to make the stadium a (for lack of a better term) giant football experience, and set up huge week-long festivities around the Super Bowl. Now THAT'S a great idea. The Super Bowl is how the NFL charms the corporate sponsors who pay the bills. Why not go all-out to make sure they have a great time and keep coming back? If someone like Huizenga is going to put the means together to make it a giant event, then go with that, and make sure the game's hosted there every couple years. This push to host the Super Bowl in places like Jacksonville is nice, but misguided. It's not about being fair, it's about making money, and making sure that money keeps coming in. If we're not going to rotate the Super Bowl among each of the 32 cities, let's narrow it to the few that have been the most successful: Miami, Atlanta, San Diego and Los Angeles. New Orleans, of course, is out for obvious reasons.
That's all I can think of at the moment, at least for big ideas. But, given my love of football and my tendency to rant and ramble, there's a fair chance this will be an ongoing series.
posted by Phunwin at 12:40 PM
2 Comments:
The end-around/reverse confusion annoys me too. Mike Tirico regularly calls it a "double-reverse" when the WR on an end-around hands off to a RB. Meanwhile, I'd be happy if they did away with the Favre/gunslinger analogy altogether, but I'll settle for your once-per-season compromise.
This is LD.
I agree with most of what you said here... but then you knew that.
Now, if only you could manage to be Czar of Fantasy Football you wouldn't have to contend with the vultures picking brains of the useless owners for lopsided trades that seriously hurt your fantasy title chances. ;-)
To think, I still have Addai, Jones, Jordan, Droughns, and Morris to rest on. Ofcourse, I _could_ use a third stud WR to help out Manning, Owens, Fitzgerald, and the Ravens D...
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